Challenge-A-Critic (Tm) Contest is Coming Soon!

Soon SHTL will be introducing a brand new feature not found on any other movie critic’s site in the land.  We will be giving you – our loyal readers – a chance to challenge some of our most famous critics emeritus, Editor-in-Chiefs, and staff writers in a unique battle of wits and critical skills called Somebody Puts You In The Spotlight! Challenge-A-Critic Challenge Contest.  This is how it works: YOU pick the film, YOU watch it, YOU stun it, YOU charbroil it, and WE watch it too, and then in a series of 3 statements and replies college-debate style, YOU go head-to-head with our best and brightest critics to convince THEM of your take on the film.   This takedown Point/Counterpoint is judged by an independent, objective, and semi-nationally known board of critics and reviewers.  If you win, your review becomes a feature on our site.  But that’s not the best part!  If you defeat us, we have to cede to your authority, jump onto your side of the fence, and support your review, positive or negative, with lavish-type praise, and, horror of horrors, attach a review admitting to sour defeat, singing your praises.  One person who scores the most points above our chosen critic on a scale of 1 to 100 becomes the Grand Prize Winner, and takes home the Golden Orb DuJour of 2010, Somebody Hit The Lights Official Prize for Cinematic Journalism!!!!!  Have you ever been a grand prize winner of anything?  Even your own life?  Do you know how “grand prize winners” live these days?  All I can say is, champagne and truffles.  Also included for one (1) Grand Prize Winner of the Golden Orb DuJour 2010, a grab-bag of fun prizes like an autographed, numbered limited edition of our staff photo (taken last Christmas) engraved with a personal message specially tailored to you.   Also included: a major Certificate of Authenticity affirming you are #1 Best Movie Critic of USA (and matching mug and sweatshirt).  This is your chance, all you anonymous, untalented, untested shnook aspiring film critics!

First up in the Somebody Puts You In The Spotlight! Challenge-A-Critic CHALLENGE CONTEST: YOU against Simon Paul Augustine, semi-professional film critic, amateur theologian, Harvard graduate, winner of three consecutive Presidential Physical Fitness Awards in Junior High School (Level 3), winner of the Bowdoin College Poetry Award 1997, Peace Abbey alumnus, chronic poet, and Gladiator of Cinematic Skill, “America’s Movie Guy,” published in such respectable journals and online sites of criticism as GreenCine, The Boston Phoenix, The Somerville Journal, the Wooster School Yearbook 1993, the birth announcements section of the Wilton Bulletin circa early 70s, Not Coming To A Theatre Near You, Freaky Follies Nov. 2002 Vol 54: Hot Babysitters, Cat Fancy Parody, Shabby Bathroom Lit Review, Captain Classic’s Ribald Poetry Forum #22: Vilanelles with Boobs Special, and Stop Smiling magazine.

This may sound like a joke but it’s not.  You can really do this crap.  There is a suggested donation/gratuity of a) a piece of expensive movie memorabilia b) your vagina (ages 21 to 62), or c) gold.  Remember, we have to actually read whatever garbage you’ve actually summed up from that rotting pumpkin you call a soul, and somehow use it to dazzle you with various critical submission holds.  Getting your “thoughts” and “ideas” read by our brilliant staff of future Pulitzer Prize winners will be the highlight of your life, take it from us.  Some easy-to-follow rules:

1. No X-rated movies unless they were made before 1978 and have a discernible plot.
2. No Catherine Breillat; it’s like beating a dead horse.
3. Nothing with Jennifer Aniston or Kate Hudson – even we have limits of tolerance and sanity.
4. If you pick Citizen Kane, The Rules of the Game, 2001: A Space Odyssey, or The Wild Bunch, and you want us to take a negative position, this is a custom order, and may take additional processing and include some riders in the contract.
5. Foul and derogatory language is allowed, as long as it serves a critical or humanitarian purpose.  No sexist, racist, homophobic, misogynist views accepted for this contest (maybe next time, white power afficionados.)
6.  Don’t pick a horror movie, something spiritual, or something from the 70’s unless you want to take an extra beating.  Those are our fields of expertise.

Please contact SHTL! right away for the real contest details and terms.

Short URL: http://www.somebodyhitthelights.com/?p=15

Posted by Lights! Editorial Staff on Nov 24 2009 Filed under Filmgoer's Forum, On The Marquee, Our Feature Presentation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry